Jeff’s Funeral Talk – Mental Illness & Suicide
*This talk was given by Cal in 2011 at the funeral of a loved young man from his neighborhood and church congregation. Cal’s outline is shared here with scriptures defined and links added, as the messages seem timely and hopefully can bring hope and perspective for other families. Jeff’s mother said she has the audio from his talk she’d like to share and will be added later, which will give his complete talk and wording.
…Express sympathy to the family.
When I visited with Jeff’s parents after Jeff’s death, they shared their concern with Cheryl and me that people not remember Jeff only for his illness or for what happened last week. Carol said, “There is so much more to him than that.”
Brothers and sisters, the end of Jeff Adams life did not define his life and it certainly did not cancel out all the good in his life.
Some of the things that mean a lot to me include the fact that Jeff was always genuinely happy and pleased to see me. He always spoke his mind and his heart.
One of the things I value about Jeff was his sense of humor which some people did not get. It just delighted him to pull one over on me, he believed I took life way too seriously and made it his mission to see that I lightened up. On one hectic Fast Sunday early on in my service as Bishop, he saw me hurrying down the hall and stopped me and told me that he was going to take all the time in Fast and Testimony Meeting that day. Then he broke into his big grin and laugh and gave me a bear hug and sent me on my way.
I appreciated his intense desire to understand and know for himself. He was quick to challenge and to inquire. Some of the more thoughtful theological questions I was ever given came from Jeff and he would not have them dismissed. The last long conversation I had with Jeff was 3 or 4 months ago in the Layton Library. When he saw me come in his face lit up and he called out, not quietly, “Bishop, you’ve got to see this!” and he showed me a book he had found that had captured his interest. He then opened it and told me to follow along and he proceeded to quote an entire page he had just memorized.
Another thing that impressed me about Jeff was that he was always trying to find a way to overcome his adversities so he could contribute to this world.
In all my interactions with Jeff, I always came away with the clear sense that he knew his Mother and Father loved him and that he loved them. There was confusion at times in his life and sometimes distress and even pain but through it all there was ALWAYS this; his parents loved him.
As Cheryl and I got reacquainted with Jeff’s sister last week over at the house she made this observation; “My parents are incredibly kind. They are so kind and so good.”
I am sure all in the congregation can agree with me on this. You and I know another profound thing that gives meaning to Jeff’s life. We have seen the patience, the forbearance, the kindness, the longsuffering of loving mother and father.
The Father’s plan of happiness taught in the Scriptures of the restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us that we are here to face adversity and to learn how to love and care for each other in it. The fall was necessary so we could enter a mortal world where we could experience opposition in all things. Eve and Adam were told that the earth would be cursed for their sakes, that they would bring forth children in sorrow and that they would have an illness and eventually die. Eve was the first to recognize the importance of the fall and taught Adam and their posterity: “Were it not for our transgression we should never have had seed and never should have known good and evil and the joy of our redemption”.
This “joy of our redemption is a clear reference to the provision of a Savior, Jesus Christ who would be our means of overcoming all the effects of the fall and of eventually returning to our Heavenly Parents. His mortal life would also be our example of how to live in this broken, fallen world.
A study of the life of the Savior in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John and in 3rd Nephi in the Book of Mormon is a study in how to care for each other. Consider the state in ancient Palestine of those afflicted with leprosy. They were cast out of society and shunned. However, early in his ministry it is recorded that,
13 And Jesus said unto the centurion, Go thy way; and as thou hast believed, so be it done unto thee. And his servant was healed in the selfsame hour.
Later in the same chapter we read,
16 When the even was come, they brought unto him many that were possessed with devils: and he cast out the spirits with his word, and healed all that were sick:
17 That it might be fulfilled which was spoken by Esaias the prophet, saying, Himself took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses.
In chapter 9 of Matthew we read of Him not only healing the man of palsy but of forgiving his sins, saying, “Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee.” We read another example of his tenderness in verses 20-22:
20 And, behold, a woman, which was diseased with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind him, and touched the hem of his garment:
21 For she said within herself, If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole.
22 But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour.
When Jesus encounters 2 sisters grieving over the death of their brother the scriptures record simply: “Jesus wept”.
In 3rd Nephi we read :
7 Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy.
8 For I perceive that ye desire that I should show unto you what I have done unto your brethren at Jerusalem, for I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you.
9 And it came to pass that when he had thus spoken, all the multitude, with one accord, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all them that were afflicted in any manner; and he did heal them, everyone, as they were brought forth unto him.
Later in that same chapter, we read:
19 And it came to pass that Jesus spake unto them, and bade them arise.
20 And they arose from the earth, and he said unto them: Blessed are ye because of your faith. And now behold, my joy is full.
21 And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them.
22 And when he had done this he wept again;
Clearly, we have a Savior who loves us.
The Savior clearly ministered to people with mental illness. To comprehend when the scriptures may have been talking about individuals with mental illness and other such infirmities we need to remember what Nephi taught about how the Lord speaks to us. In 2nd Nephi in the Book of Mormon we read,
“For after this manner doeth the Lord God work among the Children of Men. For the Lord God giveth light unto the understanding; for he speaketh unto men according to their language, unto their understanding.”
In ancient Palestine, people had no understanding of mental illness and believed that people with such infirmities were possessed by evil spirits. Now to be sure, there were occasions when the Savior cast out actual evil spirits- we read about how some of these recognized Jesus as the Messiah and identified him as such. But there are also instances of the Savior interacting with people whom those reporting the story assume are possessed where you and I would recognize, from our modern perspective, an individual with a medical infirmity of some type. It would have done these people no good for Jesus to speak to them of seizure-related illness or psychosis, manic episodes, and other medical terms. He spoke to them and interacted with them according to their understanding.
An example of this is found in the 17th chapter of Matthew where a man comes to the Savior and kneels in front of him and pleads,
“Lord, have mercy on my son: for he is a lunatic, and sore vexed: for ofttimes he falleth into the fire, and oft into the water”. Then he tells the Lord that he had already brought his son to his disciples, his apostles, and they could not cure him. The Lord asked that the boy be brought to him and Matthew describes the healing as the devil departing out of him.
Even as the Lord’s servants were unable to heal this boy in ancient times the Lord instructed the prophet Joseph Smith in section 42 of the Doctrine and Covenants that there would be those who would not be able to be healed with such infirmities in our day. Speaking of them he said,
“Thou Shalt Bear their Infirmities”.
The greatest lesson that I have ever been taught about what that directive means I received by the example of Jeff’s parents.
I return to where I began. Jeff’s parents yearn that others may know and appreciate their son, Jeff, as they do.
I submit to you that they were able to care for Jeff in such a Christlike manner because they saw and appreciated Jeff as his Heavenly Father and His Savior saw him.That is a spiritual gift that comes through living the gospel of Jesus Christ.
The Prophet Joseph taught that”
“Love is one of the chief characteristics of Deity and ought to be manifested by those who aspire to be the sons of God. A man filled with the love of God, is not content with blessing his family alone, but ranges through the whole world, anxious to bless the whole human race….. the nearer we get to our Heavenly Father, the more we are disposed to look with compassion on perishing souls; we feel that we want to take them upon our shoulders, and cast their sins behind our backs…if you would have God have mercy on you, have mercy on one another.”
The gospel of Jesus Christ is not a progression through a checklist of does and don’ts, it is a process of becoming; of having a changed heart.
We need not despair over Jeff Adams. Elder Russel Ballard, an apostle of Jesus Christ, wrote about suicide in an article for the Ensign in March of 1988 wherein he gives great hope to the families and friends of those who have committed suicide and encourages us to go forward and have their temple work done and proceed with the faith and hope that every blessing of our Heavenly Father can be theirs.
“I am grateful for the great plan of salvation our Father in Heaven has provided for us. It is a plan of great fairness and a plan of great love.
As I think about the worry and agony of those whose loved one has taken his or her own life, I find deep comfort and faith in the Lord’s promise and blessing to us who remain in mortality: “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27.)”
Let us go forward caring for each other as Christ cared and cares and let us turn to this Savior, whom the prophet Alma describes as a God who is mighty to Save and let him succor us in our infirmities. I close with the words of Alma:
11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
When I was a teenager one of my friends committed suicide. It was devastating to us, her friends. My friend Rick and I decided to go to her parents and express our sympathy. We ended up being the ones comforted, however. This friend’s father told us that in his grief that morning he looked up from his prayer and saw his daughter at the top of the stairs. He said she was beautiful and radiant and that she said to him, “Daddy, I’m OK,” and then she was gone.
I have since had sacred experiences in my life where I have come to know for myself that when we pass away we are not alone but are greeted. In a coming day, Carol, you will see that big smile again and get a great big bear hug once more and Jeff will say something like, “Mommy, I’m OK.”
I bear witness in a God that is mighty to save. I testify that our lives here have purpose. I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ and leave you with my witness of Him.